Welp it’s been a while.
As I sit here at Starbucks in Downtown Historic Charleston I find myself here once again with breaking promises to myself.
Why do I keep falling into this rut ya’ll? Why can’t I be so disciplined that nothing can shake me? Why can’t I keep promises to myself like the one I made on my first post on this blog.
Life has had me down lately ya’ll. I have felt like the water is just under my nose lately soon to consume me whole. Sometimes it feels like this crap is never going to go away. Like I will forever remain in this place of limbo.
I know it’s temporary but what if it lasts forever. What if it never goes away. What if my flickering light never gets to full bright again?
Through therapy I feel like I’m doing okay but have failed to let all of my guards down even though I know it’s a safe space. Like if someone knows the real me they’ll run away. Judge me. Shame me.
Isn’t it silly how we go through life saying “I don’t care” “I don’t care what people think of me” but yet we remain so guarded that people can sometimes never get down to the real, raw, nitty gritty truth. I feel like I have been real but raw definitely not. Raw is stripping myself of every inch of things. Raw is being at the peak of vulnerability and vulnerability scares me.
It haunts me in everything I do. With Tom, with my son. I burst with love for them but don’t know how to show it. I am stuck in a merry go round rut of wants, needs and desires but I am blocked by all of the pent up stuff from my childhood.
I was diagnosed with PTSD that stems from my childhood a few weeks back and I don’t know how to take it. It’s kind of surreal.
Man. That’s a lot of crap on that list. Me in a nutshell. A group of words never made me feel so sad but so relieved to finally have a concrete reason behind why I am the way I am and how I am working so hard to rework, rewire and replenish my life.
This isn’t easy you guys. Digging deep, revealing bad thoughts, exposing all of me.
I am in the fight of my life and to think I used to say you can choose to stop being depressed just be happy!! 🤣
How naive of me lol
There are still good days guys. Still days when I wake up and I’m like damn it’s good to be alive but lately it’s been feeling more like a stressful burden to be BUT I know that feeling isn’t real, I know I have people in life who love me and more importantly I have people who I love too that need me to be at the best version of me and for that I am going to keep pressing on.
Through the joy, through the pain, through the sunshine and the rain because I will not be defeated by this and I know the battle has already been won.