Broken promises

Welp it’s been a while.

As I sit here at Starbucks in Downtown Historic Charleston I find myself here once again with breaking promises to myself.

Why do I keep falling into this rut ya’ll? Why can’t I be so disciplined that nothing can shake me? Why can’t I keep promises to myself like the one I made on my first post on this blog.

Life has had me down lately ya’ll. I have felt like the water is just under my nose lately soon to consume me whole. Sometimes it feels like this crap is never going to go away. Like I will forever remain in this place of limbo.

I know it’s temporary but what if it lasts forever. What if it never goes away. What if my flickering light never gets to full bright again?

Through therapy I feel like I’m doing okay but have failed to let all of my guards down even though I know it’s a safe space. Like if someone knows the real me they’ll run away. Judge me. Shame me.

Isn’t it silly how we go through life saying “I don’t care” “I don’t care what people think of me” but yet we remain so guarded that people can sometimes never get down to the real, raw, nitty gritty truth. I feel like I have been real but raw definitely not. Raw is stripping myself of every inch of things. Raw is being at the peak of vulnerability and vulnerability scares me.

It haunts me in everything I do. With Tom, with my son. I burst with love for them but don’t know how to show it. I am stuck in a merry go round rut of wants, needs and desires but I am blocked by all of the pent up stuff from my childhood.

I was diagnosed with PTSD that stems from my childhood a few weeks back and I don’t know how to take it. It’s kind of surreal.

Man. That’s a lot of crap on that list. Me in a nutshell. A group of words never made me feel so sad but so relieved to finally have a concrete reason behind why I am the way I am and how I am working so hard to rework, rewire and replenish my life.

This isn’t easy you guys. Digging deep, revealing bad thoughts, exposing all of me.

I am in the fight of my life and to think I used to say you can choose to stop being depressed just be happy!! 🤣

How naive of me lol

Anyways,

There are still good days guys. Still days when I wake up and I’m like damn it’s good to be alive but lately it’s been feeling more like a stressful burden to be BUT I know that feeling isn’t real, I know I have people in life who love me and more importantly I have people who I love too that need me to be at the best version of me and for that I am going to keep pressing on.

Through the joy, through the pain, through the sunshine and the rain because I will not be defeated by this and I know the battle has already been won.

– B

The promise

I’m not really sure when I became this person who didn’t follow through with what they said they were going to do but its been a problem with me for a few years now. Maybe it’s has to do with my job and never really being able to lock things in, maybe my laziness, or worse committing to things I really wanted to do but couldn’t motivate myself enough to get started and keep at it. This isn’t me or maybe it is a little bit me but I don’t want to be that person. I want to be the person that commits to what she says she’s going to do.

I have had things come and go through my mind over the years of things I REALLY wanted to do! Things like:

  • Start a blog (which I did and it lasted all of one post back in 2015)
  • Get in the studio to lay down a track I’d written
  • Go to the gym 5 days a week
  • Save money
  • Catch up with friends and family
  • Become closer with God
  • Be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend

These are just a few examples but the list goes on and on.

I started reading Girl, wash your face by Rachel Hollis and this book has helped me along in my ever evolving journey of self growth. Honestly I haven’t ever really considered myself a “goal setter” usually I just find something I want to do and then I go after it full speed ahead! I guess the excitement of setting the goal and the feeling I get is what pumps me up, then I sit and say “nah, never mind.” As I let yet another goal, dream, wish, idea fade to black.

The second chapter of Girl, wash your face had the topic: I’ll start tomorrow. I have to be honest here with all of you and most importantly myself it raised more than a few questions. What do I want? How do I plan to get it?  How do I follow through? What are my goals? How can I stay motivated? What can I do better? What can I realistically commit to? Along with inspiring me to give some real answers to these questions she also said a few things that really sparked my interest:

“Your subconscious knows that you, yourself cannot be trusted after breaking so many plans and giving up on so many goals.”

“If you constantly make and break promises to yourself you’re not making promises at all. Your talking.”

“Our words have power, but our actions shape our lives.”

Ouch. That did not make me feel good.  I sat there and went through all of the thought-provoking things Rachel said. I am all talk lately was one of the first things that came to my mind. I’ve allowed myself to fall into a slump. A slump that was full of not right nows, maybe laters and maybe tomorrows. I can’t even tell you how many times I said I was going to do something and weeks later still have the promise I made to someone or myself looming in the back of my mind. It’s not a good feeling to disappoint others but now I think how awful it actually feels to disappoint myself.

So my dear friends from here on out I vow to keep the promises I make to myself and by keeping those promises to myself I will in turn be keeping the promises I make to others. I am sure there will be bad days but letting myself down is just not something I am willing to do anymore. I want this! I will not make excuses and no matter what my thoughts are saying, no matter if I’m tired, uninspired, or unmotivated I am going to push through! Will you join me? What will be your first promise?

Here is mine:

Restart my blog

With that being said I am beyond excited and cannot wait to share so many things with you! Big things, small things, things about my life, travel, the joys and sometimes woes of being a new mom and whatever else happens to pop into my head on random Friday nights such as these. Thanks in advance for being down for the ride. It may get bumpy at times but I promise we’ll make it through one day, one plane, one step at a time.

Sincerely,

B